Continuity in leadership is badly underrated. The same leader doing the same things for the same reasons in the same place for a very long time has become a leadership unicorn. These leaders have a depth of wisdom that is hard to find and when you have a chance to interact with one, I recommend that you take it. I had such a chance recently when I got to listen to Philip Hutcheson present his leadership ideas. Philip Hutcheson is not a household name, but if you consider yourself a knowledgeable college basketball fan, you may know who he is. Philip is one of the most prolific scorers in the history of college basketball, and played for the legendary coach, Don Meyer, at Lipscomb University. Though his playing days are far behind him, Philip is now the Director of Athletics at his alma mater. He's led and influenced at Lipscomb University for a long time and he has the type of wisdom that only comes from leading in the same community for decades.
Stay with me because we are going to jump into another idea and then back to Philip Hutcheson...
The age of instant communication has come with incredible benefits. Messaging apps, cell phones, email, and features inside of social media have given us instant access and made our massive world a small place. I benefit from this reality every day. It is also important to 'keep your head above water' because as the tide of new technologies rises it can swallow up tried and true methods that become MORE valuable as times change. The old adage, 'What old is new again' rings more true the faster things change.
Face-to-face communication is among those things that have become increasingly rare yet those that utilize it have become increasingly more effective in many regards. This is specifically true when it comes to navigating and resolving conflict. The tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, eye contact, the pace of conversation, and many other things are lost when face-to-face communication is not utilized.
Now back to Philip Hutcheson...
I had the chance to be part of a small audience that was able to conduct a leadership Q&A with Philip recently. The Q&A session allowed him to reflect on all of the things that have worked and have not worked for him as a leader. During it, he shared what he had learned about tough conversations. If you are going to lead, you are going to need to engage in tough conversations regularly. As Nick Saban said, 'If you want to make everyone happy, don't be a leader. Sell ice cream.' This does not mean that you have to be a miserable, demanding person to be a leader. It just means you'll spend a lot of time keeping people on track for the good of the group and that is uncomfortable.
So here are Philips's four Ds of tough conversations and my reflections on each.
Direct: Do not triangulate conversations. One of the oldest books in the world is the Bible. Rumor has it that the New York Times stopped listing it on their best-seller list because it topped the list every year by a long shot. Regardless of what you think about this book, it has enormous staying power because of the wisdom it offers. One of the sections of wisdom is found in Matthew chapter 18 where readers are encouraged to go directly to a person when there is a problem. This is rare, but after two decades leading in 4 different communities, it is the mark of a wise leader. If a problem exists, go to the person involved and involve no one else. Do not triangulate tough conversations.
Discreet: Maintain your emotional control by monitoring your motives. Discreet, as defined by Google, is to be careful in one's speech so as to not cause offense or gain an advantage. A secret to having tough conversations is to maintain your emotional control. The surest way to do that is to make sure your motivations are altruistic, for the good of the person and the group. Having tough conversations marked by discretion is a challenging needle to thread. On one hand, dodging the hard work of resolving conflict can lead to what Patrick Lencioni calls 'artificial harmony'. This is a surface-level harmony that leaves teams fake and fragile. On the other hand, taking on these conversations looking to win or prove your point, can become toxic and fracture a relationship or team. The goal of tough conversations is to enhance relationships that are fruitful for all involved. Avoid fake, fragile, or fractured relationships by taking on tough conversations discreetly.
Done: Wipe the account clean for them. As a varsity basketball coach for 16 years, I had the distasteful task of informing young men each year that they did not make the team. This process was an incredible training ground for tough conversations and I hope I handled them in a way that built young men up in the midst of the tough conversations. I would take time each day during the 2-3 day tryout process to speak words of life to the entire group that their ability to dribble and shoot a ball did not indicate what type of person they were and how I felt about them. I always met with each player face to face and delivered the tough news at the conclusion of tryouts. I told them that it was tough for me to tell them, tougher for them to hear, and that sooner rather than later I hoped to be able to fist-bump them in the hallways as my show of respect for how tough they were by taking a chance and trying to make the team. Healthy risk should always be encouraged and validated even if it does not directly pay off. The account was cleared of any shame or embarrassment and what remained was mutual respect. I am very confident that tough conversations should be handled this way; a cleared account at the end.
Development: Celebrate the wins they accumulate. Often, individuals must continue to function together after tough conversations. A savvy leader must keep their radar tuned to when an individual has grown and is continuing to add value to the group. In those moments, it is critical that a leader celebrate the growth. The entire point of healthy, tough conversations is to help the individual grow and the relationship thrives, and when it does it needs to be celebrated. Scott Eblin, in his book 'The Next Level', points to celebration as a critical leadership skill. When was the last time you did the hard work of a tough conversation, saw the growth of an individual, and gave them the credit for continuing to grow? You have not reaped the full benefit of a tough conversation until you've celebrated its benefit to others.
*Bonus content: Here are some resources to dig deeper on this topic - Radical Candor by Kim Scott, Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Al Switzler, and Ron McMillan, The Next Level by Scott Eblin
Keep on, keepin' on, friends!
‘Bite Down and Don’t Let Go’ is a collection of writings on being intentional about life in a way that produces great persistence. Read about it more here.
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