One of daughters is wired like me in the sense that she loves everything about team sports. Teammates, coaches, practices, games, equipment, winning, losing, bus rides, team meetings, the smell of a gym, the energy of a crowd, bruises, cuts, and whatever other tiny detail that I forgot. She loves it all. So do I. As a result, I share a lot of my personal sports stories with her. I shared one with her the recently and while sharing it, I realized how big a deal it was in my own development as a person.
My high school soccer coach pinched my arm...
I played soccer through middle school and high school. I didn't have great feet or speed, but you didn't need those things to be a goalie! I was tall, long, had pretty good hands, and loved to jump and dive. Ergo, a pretty good high school soccer goalie! As a goalie, I had to learn two difficult lessons: 1) Everyone knows when you have made a mistake because your mistakes give up goals and 2) In order to be a good goalie you cannot blame anyone for those mistakes. You've got to own it. These were hard lessons. I was competitive, lusted for winning, and was temporarily insane after losing or giving up a goal for that matter. I did not emotionally regulate well at all between these two experiences. I was emotionally volatile, a yeller, screamer, and trash can kicker. This made me a lot of fun to celebrate with (LET'S GOOOOO!) but more critically it made me a miserable teammate to be around if things didn't go my way. (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?) Get the picture?
My high school soccer coach pinched my arm.
I played all four years of high school soccer for the same man. He was a steady personality. Never too up, and never too down. He was the first coach I remember that held me accountable to be more steady emotionally. When I was beginning to lose control emotionally, he would pull me aside and give me whatever wisdom it was that he thought was necessary at the moment. The conversations were 1-sided and they were close in proximity, shoulder to shoulder. But true to his personality, he was not verbally taking me to task. He was steady. At the end of these types of conversations (and they happened often), he would pinch the back of my arm and say, 'You understand, Hobbsie?'. It was not a mean-spirited pinch of pain, it was more like a shepherd using a staff to nudge a wandering animal back on the correct path. And 'You understand, Hobbsie?' almost always ended with a sly smile on his face.
I told my daughter this story and I've been lost in thought since pondering why this experience was critical to my development as a person.
I needed that coach's guidance. I needed the accountability. I needed the steady hand. I needed the pinch under the arm. I needed the leadership from someone pursuing the same goal I was but with a different default setting than me. I was eratic and fiery. Coach was steady and focused.
We all need an arm pincher in our lives. Someone after the same things we are but with a different default setting. Be on the look out for an arm-pinching coach in your life or be an arm-pinching coach for someone in your life. Here's how to identify them...
They have the same objectives as you. Sports are an easy example. Coaches and players are all after winning. There are lots of other people in your life that are after the same objective as you. Lots of people in your family want what is best for your children. The boss that hired you wants you to be successful. In our society of distrust, we often overlook the simple connection of being on 'teams' with people that really do want what we want. These people are positioned to be a big influence on you just like my soccer coach.
They are on your team but they opposite of who you are. Keep an eye out for these people. They may share your objective, but they are very different. If you are introverted, they are extroverted. If you like meat and potatoes, they're vegan. If you go fast, they go slow. These are people that can bring wise perspective into your life because they see the truth about you, themselves, circumstances, success, and failure from a different perspective. There is great strength in diverse perspectives.
They are humble but not timid. Too often, we confuse humility and timidity. They are different and timidity is rarely helpful. Those that are humble AND bold are like velvet-covered steal. Here’s a post describing what that means. They have a way of softly presenting you with heavy truth about yourself. I don't ever remember being mad at my soccer coach for humbly, yet boldly telling me to stop being a maniac. These are people that will speak wise perspective in your life and you will actually listen.
They are in your life for a while. My soccer coach was part of my life for four of the first 17 years of my life. That's nearly 25% of my existence at that point. It wasn't his dynamic personality, riveting half time speeches, or soul-wrenching challenges that positioned him to speak truth into my life. It was his constant presence. Continuity in relationships, the same people doing the same things together, is badly under-valued. Keep an eye on healthy (spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically) people that have been in your life for a while. They could be a trusted source of truth in your life.
They make you think. I believe we need to spend more time thinking in today's information-saturated society. We consume way too much information and do not think on it enough. There are also people in our lives that have a way of forcing re-occurring thoughts into our mind. They say something that is full of truth and we can't escape thinking about it (the truth has a way of being relentless). I remember consciously thinking on what my soccer coach had shared with me in the 'understand, Hobbsie?' conversations. I remember consciously thinking on it as my emotions began to boil the next time. Now it took a long time for me to make the necessary changes but the seeds had been planted. Who is the person in your life that when they pinch your arm and say, 'understand?' it creates re-occurring thoughts in your mind on the matter? Who is it that is planting seeds of truth in your heart and mind and graciously continues to water those seeds?
Keep your eyes, ears, and, heart open for arm pinchers in your life. Understand, Hobbsie?
My high school soccer coach pinched my arm...
I played soccer through middle school and high school. I didn't have great feet or speed, but you didn't need those things to be a goalie! I was tall, long, had pretty good hands, and loved to jump and dive. Ergo, a pretty good high school soccer goalie! As a goalie, I had to learn two difficult lessons: 1) Everyone knows when you have made a mistake because your mistakes give up goals and 2) In order to be a good goalie you cannot blame anyone for those mistakes. You've got to own it. These were hard lessons. I was competitive, lusted for winning, and was temporarily insane after losing or giving up a goal for that matter. I did not emotionally regulate well at all between these two experiences. I was emotionally volatile, a yeller, screamer, and trash can kicker. This made me a lot of fun to celebrate with (LET'S GOOOOO!) but more critically it made me a miserable teammate to be around if things didn't go my way. (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?) Get the picture?
My high school soccer coach pinched my arm.
I played all four years of high school soccer for the same man. He was a steady personality. Never too up, and never too down. He was the first coach I remember that held me accountable to be more steady emotionally. When I was beginning to lose control emotionally, he would pull me aside and give me whatever wisdom it was that he thought was necessary at the moment. The conversations were 1-sided and they were close in proximity, shoulder to shoulder. But true to his personality, he was not verbally taking me to task. He was steady. At the end of these types of conversations (and they happened often), he would pinch the back of my arm and say, 'You understand, Hobbsie?'. It was not a mean-spirited pinch of pain, it was more like a shepherd using a staff to nudge a wandering animal back on the correct path. And 'You understand, Hobbsie?' almost always ended with a sly smile on his face.
I told my daughter this story and I've been lost in thought since pondering why this experience was critical to my development as a person.
I needed that coach's guidance. I needed the accountability. I needed the steady hand. I needed the pinch under the arm. I needed the leadership from someone pursuing the same goal I was but with a different default setting than me. I was eratic and fiery. Coach was steady and focused.
We all need an arm pincher in our lives. Someone after the same things we are but with a different default setting. Be on the look out for an arm-pinching coach in your life or be an arm-pinching coach for someone in your life. Here's how to identify them...
They have the same objectives as you. Sports are an easy example. Coaches and players are all after winning. There are lots of other people in your life that are after the same objective as you. Lots of people in your family want what is best for your children. The boss that hired you wants you to be successful. In our society of distrust, we often overlook the simple connection of being on 'teams' with people that really do want what we want. These people are positioned to be a big influence on you just like my soccer coach.
They are on your team but they opposite of who you are. Keep an eye out for these people. They may share your objective, but they are very different. If you are introverted, they are extroverted. If you like meat and potatoes, they're vegan. If you go fast, they go slow. These are people that can bring wise perspective into your life because they see the truth about you, themselves, circumstances, success, and failure from a different perspective. There is great strength in diverse perspectives.
They are humble but not timid. Too often, we confuse humility and timidity. They are different and timidity is rarely helpful. Those that are humble AND bold are like velvet-covered steal. Here’s a post describing what that means. They have a way of softly presenting you with heavy truth about yourself. I don't ever remember being mad at my soccer coach for humbly, yet boldly telling me to stop being a maniac. These are people that will speak wise perspective in your life and you will actually listen.
They are in your life for a while. My soccer coach was part of my life for four of the first 17 years of my life. That's nearly 25% of my existence at that point. It wasn't his dynamic personality, riveting half time speeches, or soul-wrenching challenges that positioned him to speak truth into my life. It was his constant presence. Continuity in relationships, the same people doing the same things together, is badly under-valued. Keep an eye on healthy (spiritually, emotionally, socially, physically) people that have been in your life for a while. They could be a trusted source of truth in your life.
They make you think. I believe we need to spend more time thinking in today's information-saturated society. We consume way too much information and do not think on it enough. There are also people in our lives that have a way of forcing re-occurring thoughts into our mind. They say something that is full of truth and we can't escape thinking about it (the truth has a way of being relentless). I remember consciously thinking on what my soccer coach had shared with me in the 'understand, Hobbsie?' conversations. I remember consciously thinking on it as my emotions began to boil the next time. Now it took a long time for me to make the necessary changes but the seeds had been planted. Who is the person in your life that when they pinch your arm and say, 'understand?' it creates re-occurring thoughts in your mind on the matter? Who is it that is planting seeds of truth in your heart and mind and graciously continues to water those seeds?
Keep your eyes, ears, and, heart open for arm pinchers in your life. Understand, Hobbsie?
*Bonus content: Here are some resources to dive deeper into this topic. ‘The Go Giver’ by Bob Burg, The Speed of Trust by Stephen M. Covey, Radical Candor by Kim Scott
‘Bite Down and Don’t Let Go’ is a collection of writings on being intentional about life in a way that produces great persistence. Read about it more here.
Dr. Chris Hobbs is an educational leader with more than two decades of experience. He’s earned a few degrees and won some awards. He’s happily married to his high school sweetheart and they have three teen age children. Life is messy and complicated most of the time. You can follow him on Twitter for all sorts of inspirational thoughts and good laughs.
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