I remember the first time I heard about the idea of velvet-covered steel. I was sitting in an executive meeting and the school superintendent described another leader that we all knew well for their balance of strength and grace. They were able to deliver difficult truth to people in the kindest possible way. I think the superintendent literally came up with the word picture on the spot, but it was pure gold when he did. 'They are velvet covered steel.' he said. The perfect picture. Velvet is soft and comforting. Steel is strong enough to support buildings. You wrap velvet around steel and you have a paradox of appealing comfort and rigid strength.
Andy Stanley advocates that kind leaders need to be clear and that clear leaders need to kind. In essence, they need to balance kindness and truth. A leader needs to be able to hold the tension between the truth that needs to be delivered and delivering in a way that people will accept it. While people must accept difficult truths at times there is something to be said about a leader that can make difficult information more palatable.
Here are four questions you can use to determine if you are balancing kindness and truth:
ARE YOU SINCERELY CONCERNED FOR THE PERSON? Concern unites kindness and truth. A sincere concern for the person positions the leader to deliver difficult truth so 1) The hearer can sense the desire for the truth to be for their well-being. 2) The hearer can sense the empathy of the leader. It is amazing what information we will receive when we sense the person delivering it is sincerely concerned for us. Let's not forget that when we have to deliver difficult truth.
ARE YOU OVERLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THE MATTER BENEFITS YOURSELF? Self-concern can break apart kindness and truth. Being overly concerned with how a matter can benefit yourself while in the service of leading others is a sure way to deliver too much truth with not enough kindness. When you are overly concerned for how a matter benefits yourself, you can destroy a person's feelings while delivering truth. If being too concerned about how the matter benefit yourself is dynamite, being too concerned about how the person's reaction will affect you is death but a thousand paper-cuts. I think this is the mistake that most leaders make too often. They dodge delivering difficult truth because they are afraid of how the person will react. When you are overly concerned about your own feelings you can avoid delivering truth that is necessary and beneficial for the other person for fear that they will reject you. This is not kindness because the lack of clarity will breed more hurt feelings and distrust down the road.
ARE YOU ASSUMING THE WORST ABOUT THE OTHER PERSONS MOTIVES? I would argue that a sure way to get the least out of yourself and others is to assume the worst of others. It is important that we check our own perceptions of others before delivering truth to someone. If we are assuming the worst about why a person did something or how they will react we are sure to get the balance of kindness and truth out of whack. I'd recommend Malcolm Gladwell's book, 'Talking to Strangers' for a fascinating read on how often we do a poor job estimating an other person's intentions.
ARE YOU UNDERESTIMATING THE EFFECT OF YOUR OWN MOTIVES? Confirmation bias is the psychology term for the phenomenon that explains the tendency of a person to go into a situation expecting to find what it is they are looking for. And we often find exactly what we are looking for irregardless if it is actually there or not. This is why being aware of our motives is so important because we will perceive whatever it is we believe to be true about another person's motives. This is a sure way to miss the mark on delivering kindness and truth to someone because your bias can distract you from what the truth might actually be.
I was driving in the car a long time ago with my 4-year old daughter. We were making normal conversation for a dad and a 4-year old and I made the joking comment to her, 'Babe, don't ever forget that your dad is a beautiful man.' She replied without hesitation, 'Dad, that's not true but it's ok because you made a beautiful daughter.'
Well played, youngest daughter. Kindness and truth. Velvet covered steel, indeed.
Andy Stanley advocates that kind leaders need to be clear and that clear leaders need to kind. In essence, they need to balance kindness and truth. A leader needs to be able to hold the tension between the truth that needs to be delivered and delivering in a way that people will accept it. While people must accept difficult truths at times there is something to be said about a leader that can make difficult information more palatable.
Here are four questions you can use to determine if you are balancing kindness and truth:
ARE YOU SINCERELY CONCERNED FOR THE PERSON? Concern unites kindness and truth. A sincere concern for the person positions the leader to deliver difficult truth so 1) The hearer can sense the desire for the truth to be for their well-being. 2) The hearer can sense the empathy of the leader. It is amazing what information we will receive when we sense the person delivering it is sincerely concerned for us. Let's not forget that when we have to deliver difficult truth.
ARE YOU OVERLY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THE MATTER BENEFITS YOURSELF? Self-concern can break apart kindness and truth. Being overly concerned with how a matter can benefit yourself while in the service of leading others is a sure way to deliver too much truth with not enough kindness. When you are overly concerned for how a matter benefits yourself, you can destroy a person's feelings while delivering truth. If being too concerned about how the matter benefit yourself is dynamite, being too concerned about how the person's reaction will affect you is death but a thousand paper-cuts. I think this is the mistake that most leaders make too often. They dodge delivering difficult truth because they are afraid of how the person will react. When you are overly concerned about your own feelings you can avoid delivering truth that is necessary and beneficial for the other person for fear that they will reject you. This is not kindness because the lack of clarity will breed more hurt feelings and distrust down the road.
ARE YOU ASSUMING THE WORST ABOUT THE OTHER PERSONS MOTIVES? I would argue that a sure way to get the least out of yourself and others is to assume the worst of others. It is important that we check our own perceptions of others before delivering truth to someone. If we are assuming the worst about why a person did something or how they will react we are sure to get the balance of kindness and truth out of whack. I'd recommend Malcolm Gladwell's book, 'Talking to Strangers' for a fascinating read on how often we do a poor job estimating an other person's intentions.
ARE YOU UNDERESTIMATING THE EFFECT OF YOUR OWN MOTIVES? Confirmation bias is the psychology term for the phenomenon that explains the tendency of a person to go into a situation expecting to find what it is they are looking for. And we often find exactly what we are looking for irregardless if it is actually there or not. This is why being aware of our motives is so important because we will perceive whatever it is we believe to be true about another person's motives. This is a sure way to miss the mark on delivering kindness and truth to someone because your bias can distract you from what the truth might actually be.
I was driving in the car a long time ago with my 4-year old daughter. We were making normal conversation for a dad and a 4-year old and I made the joking comment to her, 'Babe, don't ever forget that your dad is a beautiful man.' She replied without hesitation, 'Dad, that's not true but it's ok because you made a beautiful daughter.'
Well played, youngest daughter. Kindness and truth. Velvet covered steel, indeed.
Keep on, keepin' on, everyone!
Bite Down and Don’t Let Go’ is a collection of writings on relentlessly leading yourself and others well. Read about it more here. You can listen to the Bite Down and Don't Let Go podcast here!
Dr. Chris Hobbs is an educational leader with more than two decades of experience. He’s earned a few degrees and won some awards. He’s happily married to his high school sweetheart and they have three teen age children. Life is messy and complicated most of the time. You can follow him on Twitter for all sorts of inspirational thoughts and good laughs.
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