BOLD but not rude: 4 ways to share what matters without hurting those that matter

I do not remember when I heard it or who said it, but I loved it. I do remember the individual was getting ready to say something very direct and they prefaced what they were about to say by saying, 'I don't mean to be rude, but I do intend to be bold.' I do not remember what the speaker said next, but I could not wait to hear it! Ever since I have heard that quote, I have used it often to prepare whoever is listening to me that I'm about to share something that will be intense, unsettling, demanding, or they flat out might hate it. My intention is not to unsettle, or offend them. I'm just very convinced that what I am about to share with them matters a lot. 

'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.' - Dr. Suess

We are all living in a weird times when it is hard to know what will and what won't offend someone. But, we all still rally around bold leadership. It is in our DNA to want to be part of something that matters and many times that depends on how much it matters to the leader. We gauge how much something matters to a leader by how willing they are to be bold about what matters. I think the statement, 'I don't mean to be rude, but I do mean to be bold' is powerful in clarifying intentions of the leader so that the listener can consider with a clear mind and calm emotions if they want to follow. The healthiest form of leadership is when followers choose to follow. An argument could be made that willing followership is the only evidence of leadership. If a leader wants people to follow they must be very clear on what matters, why it matters, and boldly share it with others. Without being rude. 

Here are four reasons that I suggest you start using this statement to launch your bold leadership efforts. 

Saying it clarifies your intentions - It is amazing what you can say as a leader when your group trusts your intentions. Stephen M. Covey says that ‘in high trust relationships, leaders can say the wrong thing and people will still get the meaning.’ A leader should never assume their group knows their intentions so they should share their intentions often. This nurtures the high trust relationship that is described in the Covey quote. I believe sharing intentions falls into the same category as speaking about your mission; you are either over communicating or under communicating. There is no middle ground. 

Saying it creates safe distance for the follower to consider it - A leader that boldly shares what matters, while clarifying that their intention is not to be rude, positions a follower to do two things: 1 - To let their guard down so they consider what is about to be said. Vulnerability is a key component to great team dynamics and leaders that wish to lead boldly need to position their people to open up and consider new things; to become vulnerable. 2 - To take a breath once the bold statement hits them. We are all bad at taking a breath and not overreacting. I love the concept of 'talking to yourself rather than listening to yourself', I wrote about it here, and the ability to do it begins with taking a breath. A savvy leader can help their followers do these things by clarifying their own intentions. 

Saying it clarifies what really matters to the leader - I love the Dr. Suess quote used earlier in this post because it highlights the importance of what matters to an individual. Leader, if it really matters to you, you should say it. If it does not matter enough for you to say it then it won't matter to anyone else. I don't want to be rude right now, but I do want to be bold; toughen up and start speaking about things that matter. (you see how that works?)

Saying it allows the followers to consider if it should matter to them - A leader that shares boldly without being rude positions followers to consider if what is being shared should matter to them. Notice, I did not say it will automatically matter to them. This is an interesting phenomenon of bold leadership. Many people will be inspired by the clarity and join in. Andy Stanley, in his book Visioneering, says that people don’t follow good leaders, they follow clear leaders. But, if you are clear (but not rude) about what matters, some people will have an 'ah ha' moment and realize that they are on the wrong team because what really matters to the group does not matter to them. When people have clarity on what matters to the leader and realize they are on the wrong team, this is actually great leadership. 

As I sign off on this post, I want to clarify that this statement, 'I do not want to be rude, but I do want to be bold' should never be used to excuse actually being rude. If that is your motivation then you have a long way to go in leadership because offending people should never be the goal. Boldly clarifying what matters so that people can consider if they want to join you should be the only goal. 

Bonus content: Here are some additional resources to dig deeper on this topic: Visioneering by Andy Stanley, Radical Candor by Kim Scott, Dare to Serve by Cheryl Bachelder. 

Keep on, keeping on, friends!

‘Bite Down and Don’t Let Go’ is a collection of writings on being intentional about life in a way that produces great persistence. Read about it more here.

Dr. Chris Hobbs is an educational leader with more than two decades of experience. He’s earned a few degrees and won some awards. He’s happily married to his high school sweetheart and they have three teen age children. Life is messy and complicated most of the time. You can follow him on Twitter for all sorts of inspirational thoughts and good laughs.