My favorite quote about parenting is, ‘Being a parent is watching your heart walk around outside your body.’ I find that quote accurately describes the experience. There is a constant collision of the desire to protect your child from every discomfort they might face and the intellectual sense that you must do what is right for them, even if it is very uncomfortable. This crash of competing desire vs intellect happens multiple times daily for your entire life as a parent. A wise pastor once told me, “Whenever your kids say, ‘Dad, can we…?’ say ‘yes’ if possible because you’ll spend most of their childhood having to say ‘No.’” Knowing the balance between the yes and the no is a high-stakes gamble. The ‘yes’ may protect them from emotional discomfort in the short term but may expose them to significant harm in the long term. But, knowing if the ‘no’ will have the desired developmental effect can sometimes be pure guesswork.
This conundrum is found inside the term ‘tough love.’ Tough love is not only the burden of parenting but also a necessary feature of leadership, and it is found in the leader’s ability to deliver feedback. But tough love can be as hard on the leader as on the team member.
‘Should I or shouldn’t I?’
‘What if they don’t receive it well?
‘What if they don’t change in the areas needed?’
‘If they do that thing again, I might explode!’
Those phrases are just a short-list of the inner dialogue a leader has with themselves when deciding if / when / how to deliver feedback. Honestly, every team member wants tough love. A savvy leader learns precisely how to deliver it based on the knowledge of each person. There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to tough love.
Here are three ways leaders must know how their team members prefer to receive tough love, and one way is it should never be delivered.
IMMEDIATELY, EMOTIONLESSLY: You have some very pragmatic team members. They value the feedback specific to timeliness. Delayed feedback feels insulting. Don’t waste giving these folks feedback.
CAREFULLY TIMED: When things are challenging, these team members have days or seasons in their work rhythms that are intense. They are pushing hard and don’t need critique at that moment. It’ll be a mental and emotional overload. My current boss has a 24-hour event feedback rule. There can be no critiquing of an event within 24 hours. Know the work cadence of team members and deliver feedback when they are in a settled state to receive feedback.
THUNDEROUSLY: Despite what some old-school folks like to believe, people have never enjoyed being yelled at. Leaders yelling at people has always done more harm than good. But you do have a team member who responds well to intensified emotion. Note: A leader should never be emotionally out of control, but intentional thunder can be an essential tool. Delivering feedback with a slightly increased or slightly decreased volume and using clear, definitive terms can jolt a performer in a positive direction. *intentionally decreasing volume can be particularly effective* Know who on your team can absorb the message more effectively when it is delivered with a bit of thunder.
NEVER SARCASTICALLY: Using the word ‘never’ is dangerous territory, but I’ll use it here. Never use sarcasm when delivering feedback. Feedback mixed with sarcasm is a recipe for humiliation. Humiliation only embitters and never improves a team member's performance. If you’re one of those leaders who claim that sarcasm is your special gift, find another gift or stop being a leader.
Will Guidara, in ‘Unreasonable Hospitality’ quotes his father when he says, ‘to praise is to affirm but to criticize is to invest.’ Tough love is an important investment in the guidance and development of your team members, but only if you identify the best way to deliver it to each of them.
Keep on, keepin’ on, friends!
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